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何鋼將于2月24日至3月3日離京，在此期間可能無法及時回復各位的帖子。為幫助大家提高作文水平，了解雅思寫作要求，在此公布本人用心批改的一篇學生作文，供大家參考。版權所有，請勿隨意轉貼。如欲轉貼，請注明（北京新東方何鋼）。

題目：

Now many people think that we are spending too much time and money on protecting animals. The money should be better spent on human population. Do you agree or disagree?

學生作文：

In reality, a large number of money have been funded on the development of human population in order to enhance the living standand. Although government and animal lovers have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a key problem of animal conservation progam. now people should care and pay more for animals rather than living in luxury.

Government have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on protecting animals legally. Instead, large account of money has been cost to murder them. eg. in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being. From long term view, government should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our generations.

Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program for animals, it is so limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another area, and some of them could die for the frequently traving and uncomfortable weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government could settle the financial issue by all means.

To sum up, animals lovers should do more effort to save the endanged animals especially rare species, by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.

何鋼的評點：

文章共275字，基本符合要求。

1)      Arguments, ideas, and evidence.

審題：現在許多人認為我們在保護動物方面花了太多的時間和金錢。這些時間和金錢與其用來保護動物，不如用來花在人身上。你同意不同意這個觀點？

此題結構與《高分作文》第8頁范文類似。在寫作這篇文章的時候，首先應該分析我們目前在動物保護方面的現狀：是否花費過多，并提出自己的觀點。如果認為的確花費過多，要說說為什么。并且應該進行比較分析，為什么更應該花錢在人身上。如果認為花得值，那么要說說原因，然后談談保護動物對于人類的作用和意義。

第一段話寫得還可以，但是第一句話中的“大量金錢花在人身上”和第二句話的“動物保護”之間缺少關聯。Thesis statement（中心思想句）過于簡單。

第二段話說的是政府雖然花了錢，但并不是保護動物，而是用動物做實驗等。觀點得體，但缺乏論證。為什么政府不應該花錢拿動物做實驗，而是要保護動物？你應該說出你的具體理由而不是光泛泛地說為了子孫后代。

第三段寫得不錯，用了讓步加反駁論證，也分析了原因。

結論段短促有力，基本合理。

2)      Communicative quality.

文章關聯性還可以。但有的句子之間缺乏聯系。

3)      Vocabulary and sentence structure.

語法錯誤不少。主要集中在名詞單復數、動詞搭配、冠詞、拼寫等方面。用詞基本得體。句子結構比較多樣，但有的長句意思不清楚。
 
 

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