Vocabulary: Laugh and Learn

A Collection: No 1001-1050

Edited by Jeenn Lee Hsieh

分居贍養費判決--

Judge: "Well, sir.  I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, your Honor.  I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

治療失眠癥--

Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"

Patient: "Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up."

臉如馬長面帶愁容--

A horse walks into a bar.  The barman asks, "Why the long face?"

睡覺中駕駛出車禍--

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like other passengers in his car.

1001>

A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, 75% desperation.

1002>

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

1003>

A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

1004>

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

1005>

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

1006>

People who snore always fall asleep first.

1007>

You can do anything, but not everything.

1008>

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink.  The rest I wasted.

1009>

Why 'abbreviation' is such a long word?

1010>

A rich man's joke is always funny.

1011>

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.

1012>

Laugh at your problems.  Everyone else does.

1013>

We have enough gun control.  What we need is idiot control.

1014>

I intend to live forever.  So far, so good.

1015>

You are never too old to learn something stupid.

1016>

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

1017>

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

1018>

By the time you can make your ends meet, they move the ends.

1019>

Women like silent men, they think they are listening.

1020>

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

1021>

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

1022>

I used to be indecisive.  But now I am not sure.

1023>

Anger is one letter short of anger.

1024>

One death is one too many.

1025>

Here, officer, hold my beer while I find my license.

1026>

My job is secure.  Nobody wants it.

1027>

Money is the root of all wealth. (evils?)

1028>

Do not judge a book by its movie. (cover?)

1029>

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

1030>

I started with nothing and I still have most of it.

1031>

Chaos, panic, disorder--my work here is done.

1032>

I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.

1033>

Marriage is not a word.  It is a sentence--a life sentence.

1034>

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

1035>

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many persons is research.

1036>

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

1037>

My wife and I always compromise.  I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

1038>

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing right.

1039>

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He will not expect it back.

1040>

Death is hereditary.

1041>

Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.

1042>

Smile.  Tomorrow will be worse.

1043>

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

1044>

Why go to university? There is Google.

1045>

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

1046>

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

1047>

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

1048>

If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.

1049>

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

1050>

Those are my principles.  If you don't like them, I have others.