今天，我們再次以一篇學生的雅思大作文習作的批改拆解雅思大作文的展開過程。

　　在這個過程中，我們要注意TR、CC以及文中的兩個長句(斜體標出)。

　　雅思大作文題目

　　Many parents today do not spend enough time with their children.

　　What are the causes of this phenomenon?

　　What can be done to change the situation?

　　* 黑色部分為學生習作，橘色部分為老師批改!

　　It is common nowadays to find the parents missing in the life of their children, leaving their responsibilities to the grandparents. Parents’ absence in their children’s lives is a commonplace nowadays. There are a couple of reasons behind this phenomenon, but and the situation can still be improved.

　　Parents may work too hard to be companions of their children. [總述一句：“忙工作”是原因] It has become is a frequently heard complaint that parents cannot afford to raising the kids children. As the awareness of the importance of proper education raised among the public, increasing sums of money are given out by parents in order to make sure that their offspring can have an advantage in the competition with their peers. [這個部分在講為什么“工作忙”，而不是在講為什么“不陪伴”，會被判定為“irrelevant information”，所以會丟TR分。] Those busy parents are either under the financial pressure or workaholics. [busy parents對應上文的work too hard，內容上的呼應是一種好的CC。] [至于“為什么工作忙”不需要說明。] Most of their time spent on earning better salaries or achieving professional goals, [狀語部分的內容對應了上一句的either under the financial pressure or workaholics，于是搭建了好的CC。] parents hardly have time to provide company for their children. Another reason may be that some parents need to take a break and thus deliberately spend no time on taking care of their children. [然后順延解釋一些細節，說說具體怎么會需要take a breath，從“是什么”到“為什么”，也是CC的搭建過程。] Since children can be annoying and consume much of their parents’ energy, parents find legitimate excuses to avoid their children in order for themselves to have a life. Such pressure forces the parents to work overtime or even leave their hometown and family for a higher salary, not giving them even the chances to sit down and chat with their children. With more and more mothers no longer playing the role of housewife and instead joining the workforce, [原因在狀語部分說明了。] children are losing the only parent who may be their company. [這句話就把下面一整個段落的內容濃縮在一句話里說明白了。這樣的行文不拖沓。]

　　Besides, the idea of gender equality has made a contribution as well. More and more females leave their flats to work like their male counterparts do to become economically independent, instead of being the belongings of their husbands. It is hard to ask parents returning after a day’s work to still spend as much time playing with or read for their children as before. [行文拖沓了，內容的進展慢了，doesn’t respond to the topic efficiently。參見上一段的最后一句。]

　　To change the situation, governmental intervention is needed. [層層展開，越來越具體和詳細，也是好的CC。也就是說，往后把governmental intervention細化。]Governments Legislators may introduce some policies or laws that is favorable to employees who are parents. Those employees should be given enough time to spend with their children instead of being required to work overtime or during weekends by their employers. Meanwhile, governments also provide financial aids for enterprises under such policies to partly compensate for their possible loss of profits. may subsidize those employers, giving them compensation, to ensure theimplementation of the policies. Also, it is reasonable to give an allowance to one of the parents of a child to spare the father or mother from work so that the child can be attended and accompanied by at least one parent. [參照上一段的最后一句。補充性的內容一句話說完，加快行文的節奏，避免彎彎繞和拖沓。]

　　In conclusion, although many parents fail to share their precious time with their children because of the pressure on them for a number of reasons, some of which make sense and some of which do not, governments administrations can make a difference for them. The administrative power and funds should both be used.